Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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