Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Is it penis luge time yet?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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