I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Randomize
