smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
