quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
