I need to stop coming to work sober
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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