i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
