Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
