The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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