NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
