Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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