What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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