i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize