My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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