Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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