I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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