we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
