is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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