Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
