Need sex. Gaining weight.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
