He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
