I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
