The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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