Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
