Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
