Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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