Cold hands, warm shart.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
