did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
