Just cropdusted the office
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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