I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize