Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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