Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
