he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
