I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
