Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
