I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
