My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
