Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
