i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize