So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
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