I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
