Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
