Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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