at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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