I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The feeling are messing with the penis
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I have fence marks all over my body
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
