I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
