I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
