I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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