i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
