Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
