I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
