I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
