I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
