PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
